


Spiraling Toward the Dark Side

by WilSon1D



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Emotional Hurt, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Pain, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-06
Updated: 2013-06-06
Packaged: 2017-12-14 03:53:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WilSon1D/pseuds/WilSon1D
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One Direction is on the American leg of their ‘Take Me Home’ Tour.  Harry and Louis have fallen further apart over the past few months.  Harry is still taking the Taylor Swift breakup pretty hard. The boys start to see that something is really wrong, but don’t know what to do to help Harry. When the boys find out the secret that Harry’s been hiding, what will happen to their friendship, the band, and to Harry himself? Will things get better, or will things spiral even more out of control?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Spiraling Toward the Dark Side

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first 1D story and it took me a while to write it. It was a little difficult for me to write...seeing as the subject-matter is serious. I will NOT be adding any more parts to this. What you see is what you get. :) Please let me know what you think...That way I'll know if I should write more 1D fics in the future.

* * *

The boys were on the American leg of their ‘Take Me Home’ Tour. They were ecstatic to be touring and were so excited to get to travel to all sorts of new places, especially to one’s they’ve never been to before. The bus was still moving, heading to Chicago, Illinois next, when the boys woke up. It was only 7 am, but Niall, Liam, and Louis were eating breakfast while Zayn was getting ready for the day. Harry, on the other hand, was trying not to break down before he even saw the boys for the first time this morning. Harry hadn’t been doing so great ever since him and Taylor broke up. He was relatively okay about the breakup in general, but it was the other things that were getting to him. Taylor’s fans had been less than happy after finding out. It was his life; he didn’t see how his love life was any of their goddamn business. The tweets and messages started the day they broke up. Taylor’s fans wouldn’t let up, and it had already been a month. Harry just wanted the jabs, the hate, and the pain to stop. The worst part was: the other boys had no idea what was going on. Other than the fact that Harry and Taylor had broken up, they knew nothing. He knew that Louis never really thought him and Taylor were a good match. Harry hadn’t listened to him though, telling Louis that it was his life, and if it was a mistake, then it was his mistake to make. Louis had patted him on the back saying, “You’re right, Hazza.” Harry almost wished that he would’ve said more.

 

Ever since Harry started dating Taylor, Louis seemed to drift further away from him. He wasn’t sure if that was his fault, or if Louis was just…sick of him. The other boys seemed to carry on like normal. Now was a different story. Him and Louis hardly talked at all anymore, unless it was necessary for interviews or during concerts. Anything work related, Harry and Louis seemed to be fine, but not like they used to be. Harry could tell that Louis had drifted closer to Liam; even Niall had gained more of his attention over these past few months. At least when Harry was with Taylor he felt like he was being paid attention to; that someone had cared for him. But once things broke off between them, more because of Taylor than himself, Harry had started feeling more and more alone.

 

That was where he was today, sitting on his bunk, trying to get up the courage to go eat breakfast. He was scared to face Louis and the rest of the boys…he had been kind of distant and shut them out lately. His stomach growled loudly and he sighed. He stood up and almost ran into Zayn, mumbling a sorry before walking into the kitchen area. He heard Zayn say that it was his own fault, not Harry’s before he had left the room and stepped into the main part of the bus. He smiled slightly; at least they all didn’t hate him. He moved swiftly to the cupboard, grabbing a bowl, spoon, and cereal before sitting at the table. Right as he sat down, Louis stood up, put his bowl in the sink and walked back toward the bunks. Harry’s head fell to his chest and he tried to take a deep breath without letting the other boys know he was hurt. The next time he looked up, he was alone. He bit his lip, hard. As much as he liked to be alone these days, he didn’t want to be alone all the time, especially not when he needed his best friends to get him through his struggle. He ate his breakfast quickly, bouncing his legs up and down, waiting and waiting for the bus to pull into the venue so he could run into the arena. He cleaned the dishes in the sink, needing something to occupy his hands. He heard a noise near the entrance to the bunks and he looked over to see Niall smiling at him.

 

“Everything alright, Harry?” Harry just nodded, not knowing if his voice would waiver if he said something to the boy. Niall cared…didn’t he? It seemed that way, at least. Niall grabbed some more food from the cupboard before sitting down on the couch and watching TV. When Harry was finished with the dishes, he joined him. They were watching Spongebob Squarepants and Louis ran in when the theme song came on.

 

“Aye, Aye, Captain!” Louis yelled while smiling, plopping down onto the couch next to Niall. Harry couldn’t suppress the smile that spread over his face from Louis antics. This was what he missed most: the childish antics of Louis. He must’ve been staring because he just noticed Louis’ head move and then he was being glared at. Harry’s smile dropped into a frown almost instantly. Liam came in to sit next to Harry, placing an arm around the back of the couch. Harry wanted that arm to be around him. He didn’t even care if it was a stranger’s arm; he just needed something to lean on right now. He was tempted to place his head on Liam’s shoulder, but refrained, not knowing if the other boy secretly hated him like Louis appeared to. A few minutes later Liam’s arm came to rest on his shoulder, Harry looked at Liam briefly who was looking at him curiously before placing his head on his shoulder and closing his eyes. This is what he wanted; what he needed right now. Comfort. But up until now, he had been on his own. Maybe Liam and the other boys would finally come ‘round and help him in his desperate time of need.

 

“You okay?” Liam whispered into his ear. Harry hesitated, wanting to tell him no, but instead his head nodded in affirmation, telling Liam that he was fine. Liam squeezed his shoulder and went back to watching the child’s program on TV. It was a while later, and 2 episodes down before the bus stopped. Louis and Niall jumped up and down on the couch, making Liam stand up, and Harry reluctantly got up, too, not wanting to be jostled around by the movement. Harry walked off the bus first, security behind him to make sure he got inside safely. The bus had pulled right into the arena, so the fans had been left outside, for which Harry was thankful. He didn’t want to see any of them right now. He didn’t even really want to be here, which was saying something. He loved his fans, their fans. He loved touring, and singing in front of the large crowds. But these last few weeks had been hard; it was getting harder to keep up the happy act in front of everyone. He knew that the façade was falling slightly, seeing as both Niall and Liam had asked him just today if he was okay. As much as he wanted to tell them what was going on, he didn’t want to drag any of the other boys down with him.

 

* * *

 

Harry was in the changing room alone. This wasn’t unusual. The last few months had changed things on the tour, making it so that there were 2 dressing rooms for the boys to change in instead of the normal one. The thing was, the other boys chose to dress in the room that he wasn’t in…I guess that would be for the best, seeing as he didn’t want the boys to see any of his scars…

 

Harry pulled his shirt over his head and dropped it to the floor. He ran his fingers over his tattoos, over his skin. He couldn’t do it here…Not over his wrists like he had wanted to; people would see those. He wore sleeveless shirts most of the time on stage, so that wasn’t an option for him. He unbuttoned his trousers, pushing them down his legs cautiously, nervous that he would re-open some old wounds. He hadn’t, and he sighed thankfully. Once he was just in his boxers, he looked at himself in the mirror fully. He started at the top of his head, at his curls. He used to love his curls, but now he wasn’t so sure about their greatness. Thoughts of the mean tweets filtered through his head as he looked over his body.

 

_What boy has curly hair like that? It’s like you’ve got a perm…UGLY!_

_Taylor’s hair is perfect, but yours is ugly. Go get a haircut._

His eyes traveled over his face, down his neck, toward his tattoos.

 

_Why so many tattoos? Trying to cover up your ugly skin?_

_They just make you look even more ugly than you already are._

_You look like you’re trying to hide something. Cutting yourself, Harry?_

_You should just kill yourself, nobody would miss you. Not after what you did to Taylor._

Harry kept going, not having the will to stop himself from enduring the pain that was wracking through his head and heart. He reached his legs. His thighs were covered in cuts and scars. Some cuts had bruises surrounding them, and he knew he had punctured his skin too deeply. Sometimes he couldn’t help himself. He pushed too hard because he could hardly feel anything anymore. He just wanted the pain in his heart to go away and the feeling to come back to his body. Harry’s fingers itched to reach for his blade again, but he knew that he didn’t have time. It was almost time for rehearsal, and then they’d be doing things until the concert tonight. He would have time this afternoon, he told himself. Just a little time was all he needed. Then he could go out onto stage and pretend to be the carefree, go-lucky guy that he used to be before Taylor got her claws in him.

 

 

They had been rehearsing for hours and they finally broke for lunch. Niall was whining about how starving he was, making the boys, all except Harry, laugh out loud at his normal antics. Harry could feel Liam’s eyes on him, but tried to brush it off. He was just being “Daddy Direction”, but Harry couldn’t tell him. They hadn’t actually practiced for that long, obviously not wanting to wear themselves out before the concert that night, but the stagehands were finishing up with getting the stage all put together and so they had taken a break for a while to let them finish. The boys had decided to head out somewhere for lunch. Harry was hesitant, knowing that the fans would be bombarding them, and he didn’t really want to deal with that right now. Not when all he really wanted to do was drag his razor blade over his skin a few dozen times to ease the pain. Niall threw his arm around him, pleading with him to come with them; saying they hadn’t had group time in a while. Harry smiled at him, knowing just how true that was, but agreed to go with them; even if it was just to make Niall happy.

 

They were bombarded right from the time they stepped outside the venue, security trying to keep the fans away, but it was no use. Harry was never really terrified to be bombarded with fans, but today he was. The boys were all ahead of him, Louis being right in front of him and he couldn’t help but reach out to grab onto his arm, trying to ground himself. He didn’t really know what he was doing, but his body was moving on its own. He almost fell over when his arm was almost ripped out of its socket. Louis had pulled his arm away from Harry’s grasping hands quickly, making the boy stumble forward. Harry bit his lip, trying not to cry or let anyone know something was wrong. Louis just glared at him before jogging up to walk with Niall at the front of the pack. Niall and him suddenly had their arms around each other and Harry’s breath nearly left his lungs completely. He put a hand to his chest as the fans started surrounding him closer. He was terrified now, the fans ripping at his clothes, tugging at his hair, pulling at his trousers. It was painful; the clawing at his cuts already embedded in his skin. He winced, trying not to yell at his fans, knowing they just loved them and supported them, but it was getting a bit ridiculous. The security finally got the boys to a nearby restaurant just across the street and Liam turned to ask Harry if he was all right. Harry just nodded once, just wanting to eat and get the hell out of here.

 

“Looks like Harry couldn’t handle the adoring fans.” Louis snickered to Niall. Harry knew for sure now that things would never be the same with them. Louis hadn’t used the nicknames for him that he had been accustomed to using. Harry wanted to cry at the way things were now, but knew he couldn’t. Not now. Liam led him over to the booth, sitting next to him and squeezing his arm comfortingly.

 

“Don’t listen to Louis, he’s a bit of a prick today, yeah?” Zayn nodded at Liam’s words, trying to make Harry feel better. It didn’t really work, but Harry made it seem like it had.

 

“Thanks, guys.” They sat in silence for a while, and then Niall and Louis came back to the table. Harry found him asking where they had been.

 

“The loo, if you must know, nosy.” Harry looked down at the menu in front of him, wanting to get the sound of Louis’ angered voice out of his head. He wanted the old Louis back. Harry knew that Louis wasn’t coming back; at least not as long as the old Harry was gone. And Harry knew the person he used to be would never come back. Taylor’s fans, and even some of his own, had broken that Harry for sure. The Harry here now was basically just a shell of the Harry that used to be. The boys ordered, the other 4 having fun, Harry trying to laugh when appropriate but finding it harder as the lunch went on. Once done, they nearly ran back to the arena for some down time before the concert. The 4 boys went one way, and Harry went the other. He ran to his dressing room, grabbing his bag and curling his hand around the box that he was desperate for right now. Pulling out the small black box, Harry opened it to take out the razor blade that had recently become his best friend. Harry stripped down to his boxers, not wanting to get any of his other clothes bloody. That had happened the first time or two, and that was the most difficult situation of his life; blood stains were not easy to get out…that is if you could get them out at all. He ended up throwing his clothes away, even though they were some of the ones he wore all the time.

 

He started with 5. He went slowly, each cut deeper than the last.

 

1. _Stupid hair._ 2 _. Ugly tattoos._ 3\. _Too skinny._ 4\. _No bulging muscles like Liam._ 5\. _No cute food obsession like Niall._ 6\. _No humor like Louis’._ 7\. _No perfect quiff like Zayn’s._ 8. _Cries too much._ 9\. _Broke Taylor’s heart._ 10\. 11. 12. 13. 14. He didn’t notice that he was crying until he couldn’t see where he was cutting anymore. Then he realized he was sobbing, loudly. He tried to quiet himself down, but he couldn’t. He needed to let it out. There was no holding back now. He kept cutting, deeper and deeper. 15. 16. 17. 18. 19. 20. Once that last one was done, he leaned his head back against the wall, a sob ripping through his chest. He was upset and angry now. He cut too much, cut too deep. He threw the blade down, but his fingers itched for more. He needed more. He picked up the blade again with shaky fingers; he couldn’t cut on his legs anymore. He needed a new place; he put the blade to his chest, cutting into his skin below his swallow tattoo. The next second the door flew open and someone came rushing to his side. Harry cut himself again before the blade was ripped from his hand and thrown far from his reach. Harry screamed. He needed that. He couldn’t live without that, his best friend. Something was being pressed to his legs, but he pushed it away, trying to stand up.

 

“Harry, stop. You’re bleeding all over the place. I need to stop the bleeding.” It was Liam, Harry figured out. He couldn’t see; his eyes were swollen from the crying and his vision foggy from all the tears being shed continuously.

 

“No, Liam! I need this. I can’t live without this.”

 

“Harry, you don’t need this. We can help you, just tell me what’s going on.” Harry pushed Liam away again, stumbling into the doorframe of the dressing room.

 

“No! You hate me. You all hate me. Taylor’s fans hate me for the break up. Our fans hate me. Louis hates me! Louis! I can’t…I can’t do this anymore Liam. The shit that I get, from fans and from you guys…from Louis! I can’t take it anymore. Harry had stumbled into the hallway, unaware of the eyes that were on him, shock running through everyone’s heads at the sight of him. Harry was alone now; at least that’s how he felt. His hearing had lessened, he was mumbling to himself. He needed his best friend back. He needed to cut again. He didn’t want to be here anymore. He just wanted the pain to end. The boys would be better off without him. Louis hated him. Louis would be better off without him. Louis wouldn’t care if he died anyway. Not since Taylor. Louis. Louis was no longer his friend. Louis. Harry couldn’t think straight. All he wanted right now was for Louis to be with him; for them to go back to the way things used to be. He didn’t want to be like this, the helpless boy that Liam felt the urge to try ‘fixing’. It wouldn’t work. Without Louis, Harry didn’t want to live. Harry hadn’t told anyone this, but he broke up with Taylor because of the feelings he had started having for Louis. He didn’t know what it all meant, but he had seen Louis differently and he wanted more. He couldn’t handle just friendship with him anymore. Breaking up with Taylor hadn’t done any good for him. It broke him more; it didn’t make him better like he had hoped. Hands were on him again, but he struggled to get away again, wanting to find his ‘best friend’ to do some more damage to his body. What the hell, right? Hands were pressing to his cuts, stopping the blood from flowing further, and then darkness surrounded him.

 

* * *

 

As Harry passed out from the blood loss, the boys were all around him, trying to make sure he was still alive. Louis was still standing where he had been when Harry came stumbling out of the dressing room he had been in. Louis was confused beyond belief. Harry thought that Louis hated him? Well, Louis had kind of treated Harry like shit over the past few weeks, especially today. This was all Louis’ fault, wasn’t it? Louis was crying now, silent tears falling down his face, as the other boys tended to his former best mate. At least that’s what Harry thought, that they weren’t even friends anymore. Louis was just upset that Harry had shut him out when he had started dating Taylor. They hadn’t spent as much time together, and Harry had treated him poorly, so Louis just thought he’d give Harry the same treatment. Louis didn’t realize that Harry would go to such extreme measures. Paramedics were surrounding the boys now, trying to get them out of the way. They moved Harry back into the dressing room, getting him on the couch before making sure he was all right. They made sure he was stable before tending to his wounds. The other members of One Direction were standing in the doorway; Louis still stuck in his spot in the hallway. Niall was crying in Liam’s arms, Zayn leaning against Liam, needing to be grounded by someone right now. They watched as the blood on Harry legs and chest lessened, and was wrapped. They noticed the scars, the fading cuts that had healed. They had felt like something was going on with Harry, but didn’t know it was this extreme; realizing that this must’ve been going on for some time without their knowledge. Had it been going on since him and Taylor broke up? That was over a month ago…Liam prayed it hadn’t been going on that long, but feared that it had; the breakup had possibly set him off, making him change the way he was and look for a way out.

 

The paramedics let them know that Harry would be fine. They didn’t want to take him to the hospital because of the paparazzi and the fans, but the paramedics would stand nearby and come back every hour or so to check on him. The boys were allowed in to see him, but he was obviously resting right now. Niall and Zayn leaned on each other as they went into the room, sitting on the floor near the couch. Niall was in Zayn’s lap as he cried, Zayn trying to hush him, telling him that Harry would be just fine. Liam went over to Louis, still stoic with tears streaming down his face. Liam touched his shoulder and Louis crumbled. Liam almost didn’t catch him, but they ended up on the floor, Louis clutched tightly in Liam’s arms, sobs wracking through Louis’ body and his body shaking like a leaf. Liam tried to calm him down, but it wasn’t working.

 

“Louis, take a deep breath. You’re going to pass out if you don’t calm down.” Louis tried, but wasn’t able to slow his breathing.

 

“I c-c-can’t, L-Li-Liam” Louis said through harsh choked sobs. Liam laid his head on top of Louis’, taking Louis hand and rested it on his own steady heartbeat.

 

“Feel my heartbeat Louis. Listen to my breathing. Please, try to calm down.” It took a while, but Louis’ sobs lessened, though still present, he was able to breathe a little easier. “Good, Louis. That’s good.” Louis’ tears had soaked through Liam’s shirt, but neither of them cared right now. Louis was hurting, and Harry had been hurting himself for, no one but him knew how long. Louis looked up at Liam and Liam’s heart nearly broke at the sight of his friend.

 

“Is he…Li Li, is he…?” Louis choked off a sob, and Liam’s eyes widened, shaking his head profusely.

 

“He’s fine, Louis! He’s going to be just fine. He’s sleeping. He just needs time to recover right now. He lost…he lost a lot of blood,” Liam finished in a whisper. Louis nodded, letting Liam know he heard him before resting his head in the crook of Liam’s neck, still sobbing quietly. Liam just ran his hands over his back, comforting him the best he could. Liam knew how much Harry meant to Louis, just like he knew how much Louis meant to Harry. Liam knew that they had drifted apart a little bit since the Taylor debacle, but Liam knew that everything would work out in the end. Liam always did agree with the fans about the whole ‘Larry Stylinson’ thing. Liam smiled a little, picturing the old Louis and the old Harry spread out on the tour bus together, bodies mingled together while they all watched a movie. They were just like that all the time, except not for the past month or so, and Liam missed those days. He could tell that things weren’t the same between the entire band, but he hoped that things would get better soon.  

 

* * *

 

Liam had finally gotten Louis closer to the door to the dressing room Harry was laying in. He knew that Louis would feel better if he could see that Harry was still alive, still breathing. Louis was struggling though, worried that seeing him would make things worse, Liam tried assuring him that things wouldn’t get worse, but would get better. They reached the door, and Louis sobbed when he saw Harry lying on the couch. Niall and Zayn were holding onto his hand and arm that were closest to them, tears no longer falling, but it was easy to see they were still upset; maybe contemplating how this all happened without them knowing about it. Liam pushed Louis through the door, and Louis carefully took steps closer to Harry. When he reached the couch, he fell to his knees next to him. Niall and Zayn stood, knowing that Louis needed a minute alone with Harry. The boys all left and shut the door. Louis turned to the door, seeing Liam smile before the door was shut. He turned back toward Harry, noticing that his chest was indeed rising and falling steadily, showing Louis that he was still alive. Louis grabbed onto Harry’s hand, squeezing it tightly between his hands. A groan from Harry made him ease up on his grip. Louis had hoped Harry would open his green eyes, but they stayed shut. He felt helpless, seeing Harry like this. His legs were covered in bandages, and so was his chest. Louis found himself running his fingers lightly over Harry’s swallows, seemingly untouched. Louis dropped his head to Harry’s. His chin rested on the couch cushion, and his nose was pressed to Harry’s cheek. He nudged his nose into Harry’s skin softly. Once, twice, three times, before tears leaked from his eyes again.

 

“Hazza. Please wake up.” Louis moved his head so forehead was resting on Harry’s cheek now. He moved his hand not holding onto Harry’s to Harry’s curls. He twisted them around his fingers; just wanting to be the one Harry woke up to. “Hazza.” Louis couldn’t contain his sobs anymore, shaking again while trying to savor the things he was feeling for Harry. He felt upset at the fact that Harry might not wake up. The fact that Harry was hurting himself, and he hadn’t known about it. The fact that he’d been a jerk to Harry, especially today, and he hadn’t even cared at the time; didn’t realize how much Harry was hurting by the way Louis was acting. Louis was trying to stop crying, knowing that’s not what Harry would need when he woke up, but he couldn’t help the tears that kept streaming from his tired eyes. He felt Harry shiver, and he grabbed the blanket from the back of the couch to cover him gently with it. Louis just laid his head on the couch cushion next to Harry’s head, not wanting to leave. After a few minutes more of quietly crying, Louis fell asleep next to his best friend, praying that he would wake up and that everything would be fine.

 

* * *

 

Harry woke up a few hours later. He blinked his eyes open, trying to take in his surroundings. His hand was being held, a head was next to his own, he was considerably warm from the blanket that covered his body, and turning his head slightly, he noticed all the boys sprawled across the room. When his head turned, Louis was jostled, waking up and rubbing his eyes sleepily. He then realized that Harry was awake.

 

“Haz.” Louis couldn’t be happier that his best friend was finally awake. Louis started to cry again, just glad that he could finally see Harry’s green eyes again. Harry and Louis just looked at each other for a while before any words were spoken.

 

“What time is it?” Harry asked Louis. They had a concert to do, didn’t they? Louis looked at his phone quickly before telling Harry that it was 11. “What about the concert? We had a concert tonight?” Harry’s eyes widened, worried that they cancelled their show just because of him. Louis squeezed his hand, to which Harry ripped his hand away from his. Louis frowned.

 

“We cancelled, Harry. We couldn’t…we wanted to make sure that you were okay.” Louis was trying to stay calm and collected, even though Harry was attempting to get away from him. Harry’s head was turned toward the couch, away from Louis’ direction. His arms were crossed over his chest and a frown on his beautiful face.

 

“Haz, I…”

 

“Don’t call me that.”

 

“Hazza, I didn’t…”

 

“I said, don’t” Harry all but growled out, not wanting to look at Louis, and not wanting to hear the ‘pet name’ Louis used to call him, not now that Louis hated him.

 

“Fine. Harry, are you okay? Please tell me that you’re okay? Why did you do this to yourself?” Louis was trying his best to not cry again, he had shed too many tears for one day.

 

“You wanna know why, Louis?” Harry paused, but continued even after Louis didn’t say anything. “I broke up with Taylor, and you left me. You stopped talking to me, and now you hate me. So that’s why I did, _this_.” Harry kicked the blanket off his body the best he could, to emphasize what “this” he was talking about. Louis was fuming by now.

 

“This is all my fault, isn’t it? I tried to give you a taste of your own medicine, and I broke you…” Louis stood up shakily, trying to not fall over in his attempts to stand up straight. He pulled at his hair, looking at the wall, not noticing that Harry was looking at him now. Louis was talking to himself now, seeming to have forgotten the boys surrounding him. “I did this. I was upset because Harry had left me alone; he had Taylor, I had nobody. I wanted to get him back. And now…Now he hates me and I led him to this low. I made him do this. He could’ve died because of me.” Louis was pacing now, pulling at his hair so hard, Harry was surprised he wasn’t pulling it out. Louis had picked up a glass of water from the dresser before throwing it at the wall in anger and frustration. “I did this!” Louis started to yell, not being able to handle the idea that his best friend…his crush, was hurting himself all because of his actions. Louis finally turned to look at Harry, tears in his eyes, tear tracks down his cheeks; the boys were all awake now, gazing at Louis in horror, hoping he didn’t do anything else that he would regret tomorrow. Yet none of them moved. Louis looked down at Harry, still standing a few feet away from where the couch.

 

“Haz, I’m so sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. I didn’t…ugh; I was being selfish because I missed you! And I was being a prick, and stubborn, and didn’t want you to see how hurt I was that you chose Taylor over me. I can’t believe this is all happening because of me. Oh god.” Louis fell to his knees, sobbing again, even though he knew he was being selfish again by making this all about himself. He felt a hand on his shoulder, and Liam was helping him stand, getting him to sit on the couch in the other corner of the room. Niall had gone over to sit by Harry, wanting to be there if he needed anyone. Louis was crying in Liam’s arms again, when Harry’s soft whisper filled the room; Louis tried to stop crying instantly.

 

“It’s not your fault, Louis. At least, not all your fault. The fans…Taylor’s fans have been haranguing me, harassing me, ever since the breakup…and I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with knowing that I was ugly, that I was a failure. You boys would be better without me.”

 

“That’s not true, Harry” Niall broke in right away. “We wouldn’t be One Direction if it weren’t for you. We wouldn’t be anything without you.” The other boys agreed with him, Louis staying quiet, not wanting to be selfish and go off again.

 

“According to the fans, it’s true. I wanted to tell you, but I couldn’t. I felt like a wimp and a failure for even thinking about what I wanted to do, but I was…” Harry looked over at Louis before looking down and blushing. “I was dealing with some…new feelings and I thought breaking up with Taylor would help, but it clearly didn’t. Not at all.” Liam made Louis come with him and Zayn to sit closer to Harry. They were all on the floor near the couch Harry was now sitting on.

 

“Feelings? Harry, are you talking about the feelings you have for…” Liam started saying, knowing that he did in fact have feelings for Louis; he could just tell.

 

“Liam!” Harry almost yelled. The boys looked confused. Louis was the one to talk next, and it was easy to hear the sadness in his voice.

 

“You have feelings for Liam, don’t you?” Harry looked at Louis like he was crazy. He shook his head.

 

“No. I don’t have feelings for Liam.” It was a few minutes of silence in the dressing room before anyone spoke again. It was a difficult conversation to start back up. The boys didn’t want to say anything that would make Harry feel bad, or that would upset him, yet they wanted to know more.

 

“I have feelings for _you_ , Boo bear.” Harry whispered while looking directly at Louis. They heard Zayn mumble ‘I knew it’ under his breath, and Liam just smiled at the pair. Niall looked confused, yet his stomach grumbled, making the tension ease away.

 

“Sorry boys, I’ve gotta get something to eat. Fancy anything?” Niall stood up, looking to all the boys. Liam and Zayn stood up, too.

 

“We better go with you.” They were partially just trying to get Harry and Louis alone together, again. Especially after what Harry just confessed to them. They also knew if Niall went to get them all food, there wouldn’t be any when he got back. “We need to make sure Harry gets _something_ to eat, Nialler.” Niall just stuck his tongue out at Liam’s words. They left, Liam asking Louis and Harry if they were both fine being alone, both nodding in affirmation. Once the other boys slipped out of the room, Louis was fumbling with his hands, scared to look up at Harry. Harry reached out to card his fingers through Louis’ hair, and Louis whimpered slightly, but leaned into the touch. Harry hadn’t played with his hair in ages. Harry smiled slightly, slipping gently onto the floor in front in Louis, trying to make Louis look at him. “Boo? Say something. Please?” Harry bit his lip, his fingers itching to cut again now that Louis wasn’t saying anything or even looking at him. When Louis looked up, Harry’s breath caught in his throat at the sadness that was in Louis’ eyes.

 

“Did you mean it?” Louis words were only a soft whisper. Harry moved even closer to Louis on the floor.

 

“Of course I meant it. I wouldn’t say something that I didn’t mean…Boo bear, I broke up with Taylor because I started falling for you.” Harry blushed at his words, not believing that this was real; that he was actually telling Louis how he felt. Louis leaned closer to Harry, pulling him into a hug, tightly enough where Harry could lose circulation. His nose pressed tightly to Harry’s neck, lips slightly pressed into his skin. Mumbling into Harry’s neck, Louis finally spoke the words he wanted to say a long time ago.

 

“I love you, Hazza.” Harry almost choked, not knowing if he heard the right words coming out of Louis’ mouth.

 

“What’d you say?” Louis looked up at Harry’s words, facing each other head on. Louis hesitated, even though he knew that Harry already liked him.

 

“I said…” He took a breath, hitching when Harry’s hand came up to land on his neck. “I said that I…I,” Louis was too distracted by Harry’s hands, one on his neck and one running through his hair to massage his scalp.

“Spit it out, Boo bear.” Harry was smiling at him, wanting to hear the words come out of Louis’ mouth again, just more clearly this time. Louis took a deep breath, holding it as Harry’s face came closer to his own. Louis let his breath out, mingling with Harry’s steady breathing. How was Harry so calm right now? Louis was going out of his mind, with thoughts racing through his head; things that he wanted to do to Harry running rampant.

 

“Hazza…” Harry smiled at Louis before Louis finished talking. “I love you.”

 

“Thank you,” Harry said before lightly touching his lips to Louis’ thin pink ones. Louis pressed his lips back to Harry’s insistently, grabbing onto Harry’s arms tightly. Louis tried to pull back, but Harry’s hand tightened in Louis’ hair, gripping onto him to show him he needed him right where he was. Louis finally pulled away, their faces still incredibly close.

 

“Haz,” Harry pecked Louis again. “Hazza.” Harry locked their lips together again. Louis rolled his eyes, but kissed Harry back for a few more seconds before pushing on his shoulders to push him back against the couch.

 

“Boo bear,” Harry whined. Louis just smiled, and then frowned at him.

 

“I tell you that I love you, and you say ‘thank you’? Really, Haz?” Harry bit his lip.

 

“Sorry.” Harry blushed and looked down at the floor. Louis tilted his chin up and kissed his lips quickly.

 

“Don’t be sorry, just giving you crap after my heartfelt confession.” Louis laughed at his own words. Harry punched Louis’ arm gently, pouting at the other boy.

 

“Don’t use that face with me.” Louis said huskily. Harry raised an eyebrow at him. “Or that one.” Harry laughed at Louis’ words, kissing him lightly to shut him up.

 

“Can you lads get a room?” Zayn said, making his presence known. Harry and Louis pulled apart quickly, looking toward the door to see the three other lads standing there with food in their hands.

 

“Well, we had one before you three showed up,” Louis said. The other three plopped down on the couch, sprawling out, and waved the food in their faces, showing them they brought food back for them to eat if they were hungry. They all ate in silence for a while, before Niall spoke, having finished eating before any of the other lads.

 

“Harry…Can you, tell us more about, what happened with you?” Niall looked afraid asking Harry this, but he was confused still. Louis laced his fingers with Harry’s, letting him know that he was here if Harry needed someone to lean on.

 

“I guess you deserve to know. Plus, if I’m going to get better, I need your support,” Harry said. He was a little scared, but he was going to change; at least he would try. “It all started when Taylor and I broke up. Well, it started a little before that I guess, since…” Harry looked up at Louis. “…We had started to drift apart. I was trying to spend more time with Taylor to try getting rid of the feelings I started having for you.” Louis looked sad at that fact. “It didn’t work, but we had already drifted and I just…I thought that you hated me.” Louis nuzzled his nose into Harry’s neck softly, trying to show him he didn’t hate him. Harry squeezed his hand. Harry looked to the other lads to continue his story. “Anyway, so I started to shut myself off from Louis especially, but once Taylor and I broke up, the hate started. I didn’t tell any of you, but people had been tweeting and sending me cruel messages. That I wasn’t good enough, that I was ugly, too skinny, my hair is ugly, I’m a bad singer, just…everything” Harry finished in a whisper and Louis turned Harry’s head toward him to kiss his lips lightly, running a hand through Harry’s curls.

 

“I love your curls, Haz.” Harry bit his lip as Louis tugged on his curls a little bit. Harry opened his eyes, not realizing he had closed them and looked to the other lads again.

 

“Thanks Louis,” Harry blushed. “It was mostly hate from Taylor’s fans, obviously upset about our breakup, but then some of our own fans sent me hate mail and I just couldn’t handle the hate anymore. One person had asked why I had so many tattoos…and, they asked if I was…if I was covering something up…like cu-cutting. And I wasn’t, but…”

 

“That’s where you got the idea…?” Liam questioned. Harry nodded.

 

“I didn’t want anyone to fi-find out. So, I did it on my legs…”

 

“When?” Niall asked tearfully. “When did you do it?”

 

“At night after concerts, when I woke up, before concerts…whenever I felt like I needed it to get by.” Louis was upset and Harry could tell by the slight shaking coming from beside him, and the wetness that covered his neck and shoulder. He realized that he wasn’t wearing clothes other than his boxers, his chest and legs wrapped in gauze to cover the cuts that he had just done hours ago. He suddenly felt self-conscious in front of everyone. He was never self-conscious, always running around naked, not having a care in the world…But ever since the hate started, he wasn’t as confident in himself or his body.

 

“Maybe we should get back to the bus and just sleep. I think we all need some rest.” Liam stood up after his suggestion and reached a hand out to help Niall and Zayn up. They walked out the door, heading toward the bus. Louis was still crying against Harry’s neck, upset by the words Harry had been telling them.

 

“Come on, Boo. Let’s head back to the bus.” Harry stood up, legs almost pain free, before helping Louis up. They walked to the bus hand in hand. Louis wiped his face as they walked, Harry leading the way since Louis was having a hard time seeing through his tears. Once they reached the hallway, the security made sure they reached the bus safely, but didn’t ask questions about what had happened that night.  Harry told Louis he needed to use the loo and went to the bus bathroom to clean up a bit. He got ready for bed like usual, but took the gauze off his cuts, gazing at them for a while. Negative thoughts were running through his head. _How could Louis love me when I’m like this? He could have anyone…someone who’s perfect just like he is, not the mess that I am._ Harry decided to re-bandage his cuts before slipping on a t-shirt and flannel pants. When he walks out of the bathroom, he goes to the bunks to see Louis snuggled in his bed. Harry smiled slightly. Louis was tucked under the covers, turned toward the wall so Harry couldn’t see his face. Harry slipped in behind him. Obviously this is what Louis wanted; otherwise he would be in his own bunk, right? Harry spooned up behind Louis and Louis’ arms attached to Harry’s quickly, bringing them around his body, molding his body back against Harry’s.

 

“What are you doing in my bed, Boo?” Harry asked, seriously wondering why he wasn’t in his own bed getting some rest. Louis kissed his hand before responding.

 

“I needed to be with you more. I just…I’ve been so mean to you lately, especially today and I…I need to know that you’re here; that you’re alive.” Louis sniffled a little and Harry nuzzled his nose against Louis’ ear.

 

“I’m right here. I’m sorry if I scared you earlier…I just…” Louis turned around suddenly, looking up at Harry with big doe eyes.

 

“I can’t believe I’m being this selfish…again! You’re the one that’s hurting, Harry. I’m just…I’m making this all about me when it’s not. This is about you! I’m so sorry.” Louis let a few tears fall, burying his head in Harry’s pillow to wipe them away. Harry ran a hand down Louis’ arm softly.

 

“You’re not selfish. And yes, I’m hurting…I’ve been in pain, and I’ve hurt myself. I admit that, obviously. I don’t want to do it…I just, feel like I need to. It’s like my fingers itch to grab onto that razor blade and just…cut.” Louis looked up at Harry sadly.

 

“I want to help you. In any way that I can.”

 

“Thanks, Boo bear. You being here is helping. Knowing that you don’t hate me…?” Louis shook his head, answering Harry’s question about hating him.

 

“I could never hate you Haz. No matter what happens, I will never hate you. I will always love you.” Harry smiled at Louis. Louis really did care for him, didn’t he? How had Harry not noticed that before? Maybe he had been the selfish one…Harry tried to rid himself of his thoughts, just wanting to be with Louis right now, and not think of anything else.

 

“I love you, too.” Louis smiled the happiest smile Harry had seen on his face in a long time.

 

“You said it,” Louis whispered happily. Harry laughed a little bit.

 

“Well, it’s true. I think I’ve always loved you. I just didn’t want to admit it to myself, let alone you. I didn’t want to be rejected, Lou.” Louis nodded in understanding. Louis yawned, but tried to suppress it, liking just laying here talking with Harry. Harry smiled, running a hand down Louis’ face lovingly. “Go to sleep, love. You’re tired.”

 

“Don’t wanna. I like talking with you like this,” Louis said, acting a little bit like a stubborn child. Harry smiled at his antics, loving him just the way he was.

 

“We have time to do that…just later okay? I’m exhausted,” Harry whispered, not wanting to wake the other boys, seeing as it was late already.

 

“Mmkay, Haz. If you’re tired, then we can sleep. As long as I can stay here…?” Harry nodded at him. “And we can cuddle…?” Louis asked while biting his lip nervously, even though they were practically cuddling already.

 

“When do we not cuddle, Boo?” Harry laughed.

 

“Well…we haven’t cuddled in months, and I-I missed it, Hazza,” Louis whispered almost brokenly into the air. Harry’s arms wrapped around Louis instantaneously, Louis returning the favor.

 

“I’m sorry. I missed it, too. You have no idea how much I missed you, Lou.” Louis kissed Harry’s neck softly.

 

“I think I do,” Louis whispered into Harry’s skin. The two of them cuddled for a while, drifting slowly off to sleep and thinking only of each other. Harry was finally happy, at least for right now. He was uncertain of how things would turn out in the near future, especially if the hate kept coming, but he felt like having Louis there, and the rest of the boys to support him and help him through his struggle, he would be okay again, someday.

 

* * *

 

It had been a couple weeks already, and Harry had been doing okay. They had rescheduled the concert they had cancelled, since Harry didn’t want their fans to have any more reason to hate him. Louis and him had gotten closer to getting back to how things used to be. It was still hard for Harry to not have that craving to cut, but Louis was helping a lot. So were the other boys. They made Harry feel more comfortable talking to them if he needed to, and he found himself going to them when he felt an urge coming on. They, especially Louis, would help to calm him down and talk him out of it. But today was a different story. They had been on a few days break from the tour, trying to rest before they got back to it full throttle. They had been hanging out in the hotel they were staying at in New York. They were in the pool area, when a couple of the other guests walked by, stopping outside the window to look in at them. All of the boys except for Harry ignored them, not even realizing they had stopped to gaze at them. Harry looked directly at them, being the only one facing the window. The boys were all standing near the hot tub, getting ready to go in. Harry’s swimming trunks covered the healing cuts on his legs, but the ones on his chest were clearly evident. Harry noticed the girls staring at him, then their faces turned into ones of disgust. Harry caught one of the girls’ eyes, staring at her, but she just rolled her eyes and grabbed her friend to walk away. It wasn’t much, but Harry felt the pain shoot through is body. He disgusted them. He needed to get away. The pain had been building over the last few days, and normally having gone to the boys for help, he just needed to be alone right now. He made an excuse to run back to the room upstairs, saying he forgot his phone.

 

“You don’t need it,” Louis tried getting him to stay. Harry had something ready though.

 

“Gemma and mom said they’d call though, so I wanna have it so I don’t miss them when they do.” Louis just nodded at his excuse, Harry sighing internally that Louis had believed him. Louis kissed him on the cheek, asking him if he wanted company, but Harry told him to just stay here and relax. Louis hesitantly agreed, but stayed behind and Harry ran back to the room. He felt people’s eyes on him the entire way back to their rooms; eyes filled with disgust and hate flashing at him every which way he looked. Once Harry reached the room he was sharing with Louis, he ran into the bathroom, grabbing onto the sink with both of his hands. He was gripping the edge so tightly that his knuckles were white and his arms were shaking. He hadn’t felt an urge like this one in a while. Harry’s eyes moved over to the drawer where Louis kept his razor. Harry mentally scolded himself, trying to refrain from grabbing it and pulling the razor blade free.

 

“Don’t do it, Harry. Louis’ been so proud of you lately…you can’t do this.” Harry tried talking to himself, hoping that the mention of Louis would help. Maybe he should have had Louis come up to the room with him after all. He didn’t realize he had moved, but looking down he had Louis’ razor in his hand, fumbling with it slightly yet not doing anything yet. Then, he cracked. Pulling at the confines holding the blades, he cut up his fingers trying to get it out. When he finally got the razor to fall apart, he laid one of the blades on the floor, throwing the rest of the parts in his hand at the wall angrily. He crumbled to the ground next to the blade. He didn’t touch it, just stared at it, fingers bleeding from the cuts already there. He slowly, almost in slow motion, moved to grab the blade from the ground. He wasn’t thinking clearly as he put the blade’s edge to his stomach. The only thoughts running through his head were ones concerning the hate that he was still getting, the looks people gave him when they thought he wasn’t looking; some not caring if he saw the looks they shot toward him. He rested the blade’s edge on his skin, sighing at the contact, but not pushing any further yet. He needed to go slow. Then he cut in one long line across the bottom of his stomach, near the edge of his swim trunks. As the blade ran across his skin at a slow pace, he was mumbling ‘sorry’ over and over again into the quiet air around him. He knew that he needed to speed up the slow pull he was making against his skin, knowing that it wouldn’t take this long to just get his phone from the room; Louis would be worried soon. Harry leaned his head back against the base of the sink, but snapped his head forward again in the next instant.

 

“Harry.” Louis was standing in the doorway of the bathroom, just staring at him.

 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” Harry kept whispering, still pulling the blade across his skin. Louis was kneeling in front of him now, not touching him. Louis held his hand out, palm up.

 

“Haz, can you give that to me?” Louis knew that just taking it would become more of a hassle than just asking for it. Harry looked up at Louis and into his cerulean eyes, stopping the motion of his hand. They were both staring at each other, not moving a muscle now. “Hazza?” Louis was whispering, trying not to startle the boy that was in front of him. Louis wanted to yell at Harry, tell him how disappointed he was, how well that Harry had been doing lately, but he knew that wouldn’t help either of them right now. Harry pulled the blade away from his skin slowly, wanting to move it to another place on his body and do the same slow pull again, but looking into Louis’ teary eyes, he couldn’t do it. He moved his hand toward Louis’ still outstretched one, placing the blade into his hand, holding on for a few extra seconds before finally letting go. Louis moved away quickly, wrapping the blade in a bunch of Kleenex and throwing it in the trashcan. Picking up the trashcan, he walked out of the bathroom, to where, Harry didn’t know. He was gone for only a minute before he came back, looking as calm as he could in a situation like this. Louis grabbed the white towel off the rack in the bathroom, it being the only thing in the hotel that he could use to stop the bleeding on Harry’s stomach. Louis came over again, gently placing the towel against Harry’s skin. Harry winced at the feeling, but realized that he hadn’t even cut that deep. That was good right? Harry’s head was cloudy, and Louis was overwhelming him. His smell, his quiet voice saying that everything would be okay, the light touch on his new cut, just everything. After a few minutes, Harry was lifted into Louis’ strong arms, immediately cuddling into his warmth, before he was carried into the bedroom. He was placed on the bed, Louis turning to go somewhere, but Harry curled his hands tighter into Louis’ shirt to prevent him from leaving. He looked up at Louis with wide eyes, and Louis sighed before climbing onto the bed with him. Louis’ swim trunks were a little damp, but Harry didn’t care. Harry curled his body around Louis’ crying softly into his chest. Louis ran his fingers through Harry’s curls, massaging his scalp to calm him down. It worked quickly, Harry always being easily calmed by Louis’ soft touch. Harry pulled away to look up at Louis’ face to gauge his emotions. Louis’ face showed sympathy, and maybe only a hint of anger. Harry frowned, reaching up to run his fingers over Louis’ cheek lightly.

 

“I’m sorry. I don’t…” Louis shushed him, kissing his fingers as they ran over his lips.

 

“Don’t talk, okay? Just relax. I’m here.” Harry relaxed his tense body, just wanting to lay here with Louis forever. Sadly, forever wasn’t long enough. A knock on the door a while later pulled Harry out of his cloud of relaxation and Louis moved out from under him to go answer the door. It must’ve been the boys because Louis talked to them for quite a while before coming back into the room with a bag of Nando’s. Harry sat up slowly, not wanting to make his fresh cut start to bleed again, the towel still settled over his stomach.

 

“You hungry, Haz?” Harry just nodded tiredly. “You want to take a nap first? You look tired.” Louis was being so sweet considering what just happened less than an hour ago.

 

“No, I want to eat first.” Louis nodded, bringing the bag of food over to the bed, and setting it down in front of Harry. Harry opened the bag, pulling the food out before turning to Louis again, who had walked over to the mini fridge to grab a water. “Are you gonna eat anything?” Harry didn’t want to start eating until he knew if Louis would be eating some of the food, being awfully considerate like he had been the past few weeks.

 

“No, you can eat it all. I think you need it.” Louis smiled at Harry when his stomach growled loudly, signally how hungry he was. Harry giggled, yes giggled, quietly which made Louis’ smile brighten even more. “I love that sound.” Harry tilted his head to one side, gazing at Louis with soft eyes. Harry bit his lip and then looked down shyly, still not understanding exactly why Louis liked him.

 

“Why do you always do that?” Harry looked up at Louis’ words, confused by them.

 

“Huh?” Louis walked over to the bed again, throwing the water bottle on top of the comforter and sitting in front of Harry. He moved the bag of food to settle on the bed next to the water bottle, taking Harry’s hands in his.

 

“I can tell that you’re doubting things in your head; that you don’t believe me when I say that you’re beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful, Haz. I want to kill the people that put this doubt in your head,” Louis said passionately. Harry didn’t realize a tear fell from his eyes until Louis was wiping it away with his thumb, rubbing his other hand up Harry’s arm.

 

“Lou. I’m not…You could have anyone. I’m not…I’m not good enough for you,” Harry said while still look down at the bedspread. Louis moved a hand to lift Harry’s chin, their eyes meeting.

 

“Stop it. Just stop thinking for a second. Listen to me…You. Are. Perfect. To. Me. Perfect, Haz.” Harry shook his head, but Louis’ hands came up to frame his face, stopping the movement. Louis moved forward, legs touching, bodies brushing, and lips centimeters apart. “Just stop thinking…just feel. Feel me.” Louis grabbed Harry’s hand to his heart, which was beating unsteadily in his chest. Harry’s presence always made Louis’ heart race. “Feel that? You’re the only one that gets my heart racing like this.” Louis was still grasping Harry’s hand in his, now moving it to wrap around his neck. His head moved closer to Harry’s, lips barely brushing, running his own hand into Harry’s hair to massage his scalp. “Just feel what I’m doing to you.” Louis’ nails raked over Harry’s scalp lightly, making a groan escape Harry’s lips. Louis kissed Harry’s lips lightly, pulling back before Harry could press forward. “Feel my lips on yours.” Louis kissed Harry again, holding it slightly longer than before, but still pulling back before things could go further. “You are so beautiful, Haz. Just like this.” Harry’s lips crashed onto Louis’ this time, not being able to hold back the feelings running through him. He pressed his lips harder to Louis’, and Louis kissed him back with an equal amount of pressure. Harry’s hand ran into Louis’ hair, pulling at it slightly, making Louis moan. Louis pulled back, and Harry whined when he did. Louis chuckled at him. Louis’ hand grabbed onto Harry’s free one, moving it to his heart again, moving it further down his chest toward his swim trunks that he hadn’t yet changed out of. “How can you not understand how you make me feel, Haz?” Louis looked at Harry but let his hand go, Harry’s hand still resting on the edge of his trunks. Louis didn’t really want to push Harry, seeing as things were still hard for him, especially today, but Louis needed Harry to see how he made him feel. Harry looked down to where his hand was, looking further down to see the bulge that had formed in Louis’ trunks. Louis heard Harry take a sharp breath before he looked back up at him.

 

“Louis…” Harry started, but didn’t exactly know what to say right now. Harry could still hear the voices in his head, saying how Louis didn’t deserve him and how he wasn’t good enough. But he was having all sorts of feelings from what was happening with Louis that seemed to overpower the words of hate.

 

“Hazza, you don’t need to say anything. I just need you to know…to _see_ what it is that you do to me every time you’re near me; every time you touch me.” Harry bit his lip at Louis words. He could see that Louis’ body wanted him, but he wasn’t sure if he could believe that Louis had room in his heart and mind for him. He was starting to believe with all that Louis had done for him recently, but it would still take a while to get back to the way things were. Harry leaned in to kiss Louis again, pulling back before wrapping his arms around Louis in a loving hug. His head fell to Louis’ neck, where he placed a soft kiss, tightening his arms around Louis. Louis hugged him back just as tightly, wanting Harry to just get it into his head the words that he had said, the things he was feeling; Harry needed to replace those negative thoughts and words with positive, loving ones. They stayed like that until Harry’s stomach growled again.

 

“You should eat, baby.” Harry looked up when Louis called him ‘baby’. Harry liked the term of endearment, but had never been called that before. Harry blushed, biting his lip gently. “Stop biting your lip like that. It’s hot when you do that.” Harry leaned toward the bag of Nando’s that was sitting on the bed, trying to distract him from the things he wanted to do to Louis after all of the words Louis had said to him today. Louis moved to sit next to Harry while Harry pulled out the cold food from the bag and started eating, holding the food out to Louis to take a bite every so often. Louis kissed Harry’s cheek after chewing and swallowing. “Thanks Haz. You eat up. I’m gonna go get the boys…if that’s okay?” Harry just continued to shovel food into his mouth and nodded, making Louis laugh at his antics, looking like Niall right now with his food.

 

* * *

 

The boys had all been in Harry and Louis’ hotel room for the past few hours. They were currently watching a movie, The Avengers to be exact. They were all sprawled out over the two large beds in front of the TV. Harry moved to curl into Louis’ after a while, and Louis just put an arm around him. Harry’s phone buzzed in his pocket a few minutes later, so he took it out leisurely, enthralled by the movie playing. When he looked down at the screen with the message he had received on his screen, Harry froze. Louis must’ve felt him tense up because he squeezed Harry closer, but got no response from the boy. Louis looked down at Harry’s phone and his eyes widened.

 

“Haz. Stop reading that,” Louis said, knowing that Harry must have read over the words many times by now. Harry gulped, feeling the urge to cut coming back into his mind, his fingers itching again. Louis gently took the phone from Harry’s small hands, lacing his fingers with Harry’s and pulling him off the bed with him. Louis tossed the phone on the bed where Niall, Liam, and Zayn were lounging, mumbling a “Someone deal with that,” as he took Harry out of the room and into the hallway, hoping that no fans would be out right now. He didn’t want to take Harry into the bathroom, knowing that the urge to cut would be worse for him in there. Louis was angry; angry at the people that were messaging Harry all these mean words to hurt him, and a little mad at Harry for not telling him about still getting messages. Louis just never wanted to pressure him into telling him every single time someone sent him hate mail, yet now he was worried it was happening more than he thought it had been.

 

Louis slid down the wall, patting the ground next to him and tugging on Harry’s hand to show him that he wanted him next to him. Harry sat down, face frozen with an unknown emotion. Fear? Panic? Pain? Louis couldn’t tell. Louis rubbed his thumb soothingly over Harry’s knuckles before speaking softly.

 

“Have you gotten messages like that a lot since you last came to me about the whole…cutting thing?” Louis was afraid to talk about it, but knew that there wasn’t any other way. Harry’s head landing gently on Louis’ shoulder before he answered.

 

“Yes.” No more words were uttered. Louis sighed at Harry’s clipped response.

 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Harry just shrugged, Louis feeling it through their close contact. “Please tell me why…? With words, Haz.” It took Harry a few minutes to compile his thoughts.

 

“I didn’t want to be a bigger burden than I already was.”

 

“You are NOT a burden. Never have been, never will be. You got that?” Harry didn’t say or do anything. Louis turned to kiss the top of Harry’s head, whispering his next words into his hair. “When you get any messages, or feel like you just need to…let off steam, come to me instead of being alone. You can let off steam with me…at me. Whatever works for you…Just don’t, I don’t want you hurting yourself. Please, Harry.” Louis was not angry anymore, just upset with the events that have been going on around them for weeks now. As difficult as it was, Harry knew that Louis was right. Going through this completely with another person would make it much easier to get through. But Harry knew that he maybe needed to seek further help.

 

“Maybe…Maybe I need to talk to someone,” Harry whispered softly, Louis straining to hear his quiet words. Louis waited a minute before speaking, not knowing if Harry had more to say.

 

“If that’s…If you think that’ll help, I can go with you…If you want, that is.” Harry nodded against Louis’ shoulder, nuzzling his cheek into the fabric of Louis’ shirt.

 

“Thanks, boo.” Louis sighed at Harry’s words, loving the nickname that Harry had been using more in the last few weeks; things were moving toward ‘normal’ again.

 

“I love it when you call me that.” Harry’s face, pressed into Louis’ shoulder, broke out into a smile, the action being felt through Louis’ shirt. “I know that this hasn’t been easy for you, Haz. But the boys are here for you. And so am I. I know I’ve told you that a lot since you told us…or since we found out, but I am, okay? I know that this might be…a struggle to get through, but I’ll be here every step of the way. Nothing will make me not love you. Nobody will ever be able to get between us, and I hope that you’re okay with that,” Louis teased Harry a little, knowing that Harry felt the same way about him and their relationship. Harry looked up at Louis, smiling slightly before pressing his lips against Louis’ slowly. This kiss was one of assurance, of understanding, and of course, full of love. Neither boy knew exactly how long this recovery would take, but they were both willing to try their damndest to never give up. Louis would never give up on Harry, and Harry would never give up trying to get his life back to the way it used to be. He knew that things might not ever be exactly the way they were, but he was hoping it could get pretty close.

 

No matter where life took them, the boys would be forever grateful that they were able to find their way back to each other. They would be forever grateful that they were both feeling the same way about each other, and that they were finally able to share the love they once felt ashamed to feel.

 

The End.

* * *

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, and for the kudos (if you leave any) :) 
> 
> This was hard for me to write, and I wanted to be realistic with how things would possibly be. I do not have experience with self-harm, though I know a lot of people do. Which is why I wanted to say this:
> 
> If you ever need someone: someone to talk to, someone to vent to, whatever... I AM HERE. Message me here, email me (laughandlove1d@gmail.com), tweet me (@laughandlove1d), etc.
> 
> Know that you are not alone, and that things will be okay. I love you all. xx Angela


End file.
